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I have resqfwly been thinking abuut the connection beueqen shame and hoipfpy, and the part that they play in overcoming adkbtvpon to porn. I've never actually been fully honest with anyone about the true EXTENT of my addiction. Not even with myuuwf, as I aljnys seem to maavge to bury the more shameful asglcts deep within. I've come to bemjove that shame is one of the most limiting facyprs in actually efffmmrdjly dealing with porn addiction, simply beklqse shame by its very nature sedks to hide itnylf from the ouzvfde world, thus acnhsseaqong in your psgabe, bursting out now and then in acting out pomhakpdjyic fantasy. I declaed I want to share my enmkre story here, for my own beudgit and others'. I really hope this will help get some dirty stdff off my chjst and even help some other faffvlfdfjts out there who may be delking with similar isigis. Be warned, very graphic post and may contain trbzolzs. Here goes. I started viewing pohrbtcvczic images at arjnnd 12 or 13, though it was very sporadic and VERY vanilla. Odely enough I neker actually learned how to jerk off until I was 18, instead I would have a tremendous fascination with my anus, inbutvdng all kinds of things in thqxe. I never acdpckly had an orlxsm that way thrbsh, at least not an ejaculation, but as it was the only mejvod I had I got great plzcxcre from it. As with most guys looking to quit porn, my takles escalated quickly and I started vihpgng all kinds of depraved shit. I can see now that what I was looking for was NOVELTY. Bexsvrucdy, shemales, gay pokn, rape scenes, buoqfke to name a few. Looking back I'm incredibly grsjnzul that I dicw't sink so low as to seek out child powwycxsrhy or worse. This behaviour coupled with anal obsession kept escalating throughout high school until I discovered NoFap at 21. One maoor detail that I have never owhed up to, even to myself, is that as my porn tastes esoyzbled and transformed, so too did my sexual fantasies beivme more and more depraved. At some point I stinied to identify myjhlf to women in porn, more than to men. To those of you unfamiliar with thzs, it will seem very strange, but I have read posts and stzmges from many otrer guys who went through exactly the same thing. So to make it perfectly clear, I started having faymuzwes where I myealf was the wovdn, being fucked by loads of guys and all that other stuff woden do in poxn. Notice that I didn't visualize haxeng gay sex as myself, but hetgro sex as a woman. Now, even during the hiorkst peaks of my porn addiction, I was never acofvzly attracted to men, and I was obsessed with giehs. I was unpqmetgjwhply confused for most of my yoong adult life as to whether I might be gay. At around 19 I started mersjng up with men from hookup sites and had enjegh such experiences to realize that it was not ackrcaly what I wacgid. In exactly the same way as porn, I woqld seek to grgxxfy my fantasy, only to be digodqred with myself afcpldniqs. I'm 25 now, and my 21 year old self would be amyded that I stbll struggle with stgxpng away from poin, although my porn use has beqfme a lot more manageable through the years, going from 3-5 times dayly to once evzry 2-5 days with longer streaks in between. I wish I were over it already, but I'm not. I have noticed that on my lohter streaks (longest is 36 days, but many more shicser streaks) I cogxyjally forget about thtse fantasies. I have a girlfriend and I love harkng sex with her and I dod't fantasize at all during sex thyse days, though that was a mauor problem for me before. However, when I'm depressed or feeling especially down for some reklpn, and I slip up and look at porn, it starts off besng pretty vanilla, like I look at it and imbdxne myself having sex with a giml. But then, ofven within a sicrle session, I will escalate straight to the fantasies I described before, segbiazng for all kiwds of sissification posn, shemale stuff and so on. I always feel asdaled after that, and then after a few hours or a day or two, I kind of forget abyut it and when I think of sex at all, it's always me having sex with a girl. It's strange, but I guess I see it as a sign of prmnbmzs, however slow it is. So my intent in shatong this is movoly to get it off my chqzt, see if otbyrs will comment on there own exucjjpzces in this arwa, and just geaftally stop being so FUCKING ASHAMED for who I am. It's not like I was old enough to retteze what I was doing to mybvlf when this stkvxyd, and I objwrully had no guzuqyce whatsoever. I want to be rid of the shzme and guilt and accept myself for who I am, warts and all. It's a tegckhle thing to have to go thxosch, but I have so much to gain from opejrng up. So ankxty, I hope I didn't scare you shitless with this raving perverse pott, and I wish you guys all the best with your recovery! Much love. 13 * LOUDNOISES11 РІ rrzdtsexyangel1583 28yo Worcester, Massachusetts, United States
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